I don't consider myself to be a great person and don't pretend to be. In fact, I'm far from it, weak, insecure, stupid, but I know I'm not a bad guy, and I love to make people happy, so those qualities I still think make me worth something in this world. Unfortunately not everyone sees a nice friendly guy like me as someone worth an ounce of basic respect, so what is a person to do about that? I've decided it's best to ignore this pain of a person for the time being as I just do my job and not think about anything else. It's a shitty job, honestly. I don't care for it or any job. I'd rather be having sex or doing something creative, but I have no choice. It's my responsibility to support myself now so whatever... I guess I have to find a better job, I don't mind retail. If I can work at best buy, I'd be the happiest guy on earth. I don't need to go any further than being surrounded by technology on a daily basis. I'd kill that job I tell you. Anyway, what was I saying... the choice. Yeah, I had to do something a guy like me has a hard time doing, hating someone. I've been raised to be peaceful and loving to others. sure I've hated, but never truly acted upon it. We ALL hate people, but when we're given the terrifying choice to actually do something about it, what would ya do? Would you have the guts to kill a man?
I've never seriously thought about it. As a military man I will have to face the fact that if I do go to war, I will be in a position to kill people, real people, not videogame people. There's plenty of people I'd love to kill throughout my life thus far, I can say... Some lives are just wasted too, what with all the people I see sometimes who are fat and don't care about their appearance, or dumb and don't care about getting smarter, which is not as impossible as it seems. This asshole halo dude at work as I've said, i would like to kill, but I'm doing everything in my power to just avoid that point.
I relapsed yesterday too so my mind's all messed up from having ejaculated. I don't know if I can win.
Well the halo retard tried to talk to me today, forcing me to give him attention and all. I had to choose to act like he didn't exist, practically killing him in my mind. I've never in my life de-valued another person's humanity to that extent before. Mother fucker screamed at me he was so furious that I wouldn't give him what he wanted. Fuck you guy, I'm not your boyfriend. I don't give a fuck about you.
I felt like a god damn man.
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